A young couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate. They decided to pull over and park and have some fun.
Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself.
"Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple.
Being embarrassed at being caught said yes and apologized.
"Well, he said, I will have to write you a ticket."
So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behaviour. After getting dressed the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for.
He responded, "Doing 69 in a 35 mph speed zone!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Condom Sizing
Harry noticed he was running low on rubbers, so he stopped by the local drugstore.
"What size?" asked the blonde pharmacist's assistant sweetly.
When he admitted he wasn't sure of his size. The blonde led him into the back room, lifted her skirt and told him to enter her. He was delighted to oblige. "Size six," she told him after a moment. "Now, take it out. How many?"
Harry bought a dozen, and on his way home, he ran into his friend Tom. Harry eagerly told Tom the whole story.
Tom rushed down to the drugstore to place on order, "But I'm afraid I don't know my size," he told the sales girl.
So the blonde led him in to the back room and repeated the procedure. "Size seven, Sir. Now take it out please. How many?"
But Tom kept on going until he was done. "None, thanks," he told her, zipping up his pants and grinning. "I just came in for a fitting."
......................................................................................................................................................................
A man went into a drug store and asked the cashier for some rubbers.
The cashier asked, "What size?"
The man replied, "Size? I didn`t know they came in sizes."
"Yes, they do," she said. "What size do you want?"
"Well, gee, I don`t know." the man answered.
The lady was used to this, so she told him to go to the backyard and measure himself by sticking his penis into each of the three holes in the fence. While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spread her legs behind each hole as the man tested it.
When the they returned, the cashier asked, "What will it be? Small, medium, or large?"
The man replied, "To heck with the rubbers! Give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!"
"What size?" asked the blonde pharmacist's assistant sweetly.
When he admitted he wasn't sure of his size. The blonde led him into the back room, lifted her skirt and told him to enter her. He was delighted to oblige. "Size six," she told him after a moment. "Now, take it out. How many?"
Harry bought a dozen, and on his way home, he ran into his friend Tom. Harry eagerly told Tom the whole story.
Tom rushed down to the drugstore to place on order, "But I'm afraid I don't know my size," he told the sales girl.
So the blonde led him in to the back room and repeated the procedure. "Size seven, Sir. Now take it out please. How many?"
But Tom kept on going until he was done. "None, thanks," he told her, zipping up his pants and grinning. "I just came in for a fitting."
......................................................................................................................................................................
A man went into a drug store and asked the cashier for some rubbers.
The cashier asked, "What size?"
The man replied, "Size? I didn`t know they came in sizes."
"Yes, they do," she said. "What size do you want?"
"Well, gee, I don`t know." the man answered.
The lady was used to this, so she told him to go to the backyard and measure himself by sticking his penis into each of the three holes in the fence. While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spread her legs behind each hole as the man tested it.
When the they returned, the cashier asked, "What will it be? Small, medium, or large?"
The man replied, "To heck with the rubbers! Give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!"
INTELLIGENCE CHINESE SEX
A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.
When finished, the Chinese runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and commences a repeat performance.
The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter.
When finished, the Chinese jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and starts again.
The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times.
During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they were done she jumps up, goes to the window, and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed,...and......finds four Chinese men....under the bed..............fuck......fuck free
When finished, the Chinese runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and commences a repeat performance.
The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter.
When finished, the Chinese jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and starts again.
The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times.
During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they were done she jumps up, goes to the window, and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed,...and......finds four Chinese men....under the bed..............fuck......fuck free
NGURAT AWEK
dah lama aku rasa tak tulis cerita tak senonoh menangis tak de gigi nie.....nie aku rasa nak cerita pasal ngorat awek.....
alkisah bermula di satu office besar di negeri pasir bedenggung.... office nie sebuah firm arkitek yg mempunyai 401-3000+9484/3.87X18308+153839-738364X0+2000 = 2000 org pekerja...kerja kat office nie kira banyak gila kalah GDP....banyak buat design istana pasir kat pantai....banyak lee org yg nak join company nie....
Tapi dalam cerita nie topik utama ialah JOHN KENOK....seorang lelaki yg berusia 40 tahun (masa peristiwa nie berlaku) yang masih dara dan suci lagi...dari lahir sampai dah tua nak mati pun tak pernah bercinta dan jahil dalam hal2 hati seorang perempuan....
si Kenok nie ada menyimpan perasaan kat satu awek programmer lawa & seksi gila kat office nie dan merupakan "bahan" khayalan dia....tapi awek nie tak perasan pun akan kewujudan John Kenok kat office nie......setiap kali Kenok selisih ngan awek nie dia rasa jantung berdegup lidah terkelu... dah buat toyol tulis kat baju pun tak terkeluar kata2 ayat-ayat cinta....yang dia boleh buat hanya memandang dari jauh..seperti melukut ditepi gantang....
setelah lama memendam perasaan Kenok mendapat idea bila menonton film lucah malam tadi..... dia pun merosakkan program computernya...dan membuat aduan kat awek programme nie....dengan niat untuk mendekatinya....awek nie pun datang untuk membaiki computer Kenok...
***untuk pengetahuan pembaca semua computer di office ini diletakkan password dan hanya programme dan yang org menggunakannya sahaja tahu password tersebut...untuk mengelakkan kebocoran maklumat.....
Setelah meneliti hardware computer didapati tiada kerosakan dan program window XEPInya telah di setting kembali .....awek tersebut meminta password yang kenok hendak di set kan didalam computernya....
berdegup jantung kenok melihat awek tersebut memandangnya dan berdasarkan ilhamnya yg diperolehi hasil kajian menonton film lucah semalam dengan niat untuk menunjukkan kegagahan kelakiannya Kenok dengan megah menyatakan........PENIS.....apabila mendengar password yg dinyatakan oleh Kenok ,awek tersebut memakukan pandangan nye seketika ke muka kenok...berbunga hati kenok kerana dapat menarik perhatian awek tersebut....dalam hatinya " peh power ayat aku nie"...
kemudian awek tersebut mula menaip untuk memasukkan passwork kenok....tiba-tiba awek tersebut memaling dan memandang kenok dengan pandangan penuh rasa kasihan sambil ketawa tengingai-ngigai....kenok berasa hairan dan meninjau ke screen computernya..
Di screen computernya terpampang...."PENIS CANNOT ACCEPTED BECAUSE TO SHOT"...kalau dalam bahasa melayu "KONEK TIDAK DAPAT DIMASUKKAN KERANA TERLALU PENDEK".....hehehehe....maka kecil leh kemaluan kenok jadinya....sampai sekarang umurnya 80 tahun tak kawin lagi...dia takut tak leh memasukkan penisnya...tiada keyakinan diri lagi......
****moral dalam cerita nie kalau nak ngorat awek jgn lee tunjukkan kemaluan anda......saiz paku 1/3 inci macam kepala anak kura2 umur setengah hari......hehehe
alkisah bermula di satu office besar di negeri pasir bedenggung.... office nie sebuah firm arkitek yg mempunyai 401-3000+9484/3.87X18308+1
Tapi dalam cerita nie topik utama ialah JOHN KENOK....seorang lelaki yg berusia 40 tahun (masa peristiwa nie berlaku) yang masih dara dan suci lagi...dari lahir sampai dah tua nak mati pun tak pernah bercinta dan jahil dalam hal2 hati seorang perempuan....
si Kenok nie ada menyimpan perasaan kat satu awek programmer lawa & seksi gila kat office nie dan merupakan "bahan" khayalan dia....tapi awek nie tak perasan pun akan kewujudan John Kenok kat office nie......setiap kali Kenok selisih ngan awek nie dia rasa jantung berdegup lidah terkelu... dah buat toyol tulis kat baju pun tak terkeluar kata2 ayat-ayat cinta....yang dia boleh buat hanya memandang dari jauh..seperti melukut ditepi gantang....
setelah lama memendam perasaan Kenok mendapat idea bila menonton film lucah malam tadi..... dia pun merosakkan program computernya...dan membuat aduan kat awek programme nie....dengan niat untuk mendekatinya....awek nie pun datang untuk membaiki computer Kenok...
***untuk pengetahuan pembaca semua computer di office ini diletakkan password dan hanya programme dan yang org menggunakannya sahaja tahu password tersebut...untuk mengelakkan kebocoran maklumat.....
Setelah meneliti hardware computer didapati tiada kerosakan dan program window XEPInya telah di setting kembali .....awek tersebut meminta password yang kenok hendak di set kan didalam computernya....
berdegup jantung kenok melihat awek tersebut memandangnya dan berdasarkan ilhamnya yg diperolehi hasil kajian menonton film lucah semalam dengan niat untuk menunjukkan kegagahan kelakiannya Kenok dengan megah menyatakan........PENIS...
kemudian awek tersebut mula menaip untuk memasukkan passwork kenok....tiba-tiba awek tersebut memaling dan memandang kenok dengan pandangan penuh rasa kasihan sambil ketawa tengingai-ngigai....kenok berasa hairan dan meninjau ke screen computernya..
Di screen computernya terpampang...."PENIS CANNOT ACCEPTED BECAUSE TO SHOT"...kalau dalam bahasa melayu "KONEK TIDAK DAPAT DIMASUKKAN KERANA TERLALU PENDEK".....hehehehe....ma
****moral dalam cerita nie kalau nak ngorat awek jgn lee tunjukkan kemaluan anda......saiz paku 1/3 inci macam kepala anak kura2 umur setengah hari......hehehe
Monday, December 1, 2008
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
remember
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
++++++
There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."
So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh Shit!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."
So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh Shit!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."
golf
A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.
She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"
She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Saturday, November 22, 2008
sembang-sembang kat site - volume 1
nie ada banyak cerita yang aku dapat masa lepak2 kat site.... cerita2 bukan rakyat..cam cerita lawak dalam penthouse...dan cerita nie aku nak kongsi dengan sapa2 yang nak baca dan layaaannnn....
dan kali nie aku nak ceritakan pasal atan....
atan nie sorang budak umur 7 tahun..adik beradik cuma ada 2 org je..yang sorang lagi adik perempuan nama aton... tinggal kat jasin lalang (kira solok habis lee kalau kat melaka nie)
dia nie diasuh dengan cermat dan teliti.. tak reti dan tak faham bahasa mencarut semua @3%&'!%... kira suci habis lee......
satu hari bapak dia dinaikkan pangkat.. dan diarahkan bertukar ke bandar melaka.... jadi atan satu keluarga berpindah lee kat melaka dan tinggal di ujung pasir (2 minit dari mahkota prade).... lepas pindah 1 bulan 1/2 umur dia cukup untuk ke sekolah.. kira awal tahun lee nie... jadi babak dia hantar atan kat sekolah dalam bandar melaka... (nama sekolah dirahsiakan nanti ada lak orang maki kat aku)..
Jadi pada hari pertama sekolah mak bapaknye hantar lee atan ke sekolah, risau juga mak bapak dia camne lee anak dia nie nanti.... atan lak seronok lee tengok banyak budak2 sebaya macam dia, sebab sebelum nie budak2 yang dia kenal cuma adik dia dengan sedara mara yang ada cuma 3 kerat jee....
dah lepas masuk sekolah atan cam tecengang lee pulak.. sebab dia tengok budak2 kat sekolah tu advant lee.. banyak yg diorang sembang dia tak tahu apa kebendanye.. cerita gelek inul kat tom tom bak lee, cerita pasal orang beranak ikut mana lee.. cerita nak kahwin ngan brat pit lee... kira2 maju habis...
banyak benda dalam kepala otak dia berlegar2 mabuk tak faham... masa dia nak balik dia terlanggar sorang budak... budak tu apa lee lagi marah kat dia budak tu cakap "KEPALA BUTUH" kau.. peh lagi lee atan tak paham bahasa apa kebenda nie?...
bila dia sampai kat rumah ditanya mak dia.... kepala butuh nie apa mak ek?
mak dia bederau darah dengar perkataan keramat 2... mak dia pun duk fikir apa nak bagitau anak dia nie.. jadi mak dia cakap lee,,"atan KEPALA BUTUH nie TONGKAT nak"..jadi pelajaran pertama dia kat sekolah KEPALA BUTUH adalah TONGKAT
pada hari kedua di sekolah dia dengar sorang budak lelaki cakap kat budak perempuan PUKI kau...
so macam hari pertama dia balik sekolah dia tanya mak dia PUKI 2 apa?...mak dia cam biasa carik lee idea...dan mak dia cakap PUKI tu PINGGAN....jadi pelajaran kedua dia kat sekolah PUKI adalah PINGGAN..
pada hari ketiga dia dengar lagi perkataan yang sebelum nie dia tak pernah dengar iaitu PANTAT.. jadi bila balik sekolah dia tanya mak dia pantat tu apa dan mak dia cakap PANTAT tu TIDUR... .jadi pelajaran ketiga dia kat sekolah PANTAT tu TIDUR..
nak jadi kan cerita petang 2 datuk dia datang dari kampung... datuk diia ne kurang sihat maklum lee dah tua tapi sebab rindukan cucunye dia datang le juga ke rumah atan.. pada hari 2 datuk dia datang dengan berTONGKAt... jadi bila atan tengok datuknye turun dari bas dia gie le sambut le atuk dia... atuk dia pun peluk dan cium cucu kesayangannye.. pas tu atan pun cakap ngan atuk nye..."atuk penat kee? meh atan tolong atok, simpankan BUTUH atuk"... apalagi bulat mata atuk nye tengok atan.... dengan nada marah dia tanya kat atan " mak kau mana?" atan pun dengan selamba cakap "mak ada kat dapur tengah basuh PUKI" peh berdesing telinga atuknye dengar cucunye cakap camtu.." dia pun meluru kerumah atan..sambil menjerit "ayah kau mana?" atan cakap "ayah ada kat bilik tengah PANTAT dengan adik.. apal lagi bila dengar je atan jawab terus atuk dia jatuh depan pintu.. sakit jantung.. sampai sekarang ada kat pantai icu... heheeh.
jadi moral dari cerita di atas...kalau nak ajar anak cari le alasan yang sewaktu dengan nye biar dia faham.. budak2 sekarang lain macam sikit...baru keluar dah buka mata...
******untuk pengetahuan semua, orang melaka nie mulut je kuat mencarut.. tapi hati baikkkk...
dan kali nie aku nak ceritakan pasal atan....
atan nie sorang budak umur 7 tahun..adik beradik cuma ada 2 org je..yang sorang lagi adik perempuan nama aton... tinggal kat jasin lalang (kira solok habis lee kalau kat melaka nie)
dia nie diasuh dengan cermat dan teliti.. tak reti dan tak faham bahasa mencarut semua @3%&'!%... kira suci habis lee......
satu hari bapak dia dinaikkan pangkat.. dan diarahkan bertukar ke bandar melaka.... jadi atan satu keluarga berpindah lee kat melaka dan tinggal di ujung pasir (2 minit dari mahkota prade).... lepas pindah 1 bulan 1/2 umur dia cukup untuk ke sekolah.. kira awal tahun lee nie... jadi babak dia hantar atan kat sekolah dalam bandar melaka... (nama sekolah dirahsiakan nanti ada lak orang maki kat aku)..
Jadi pada hari pertama sekolah mak bapaknye hantar lee atan ke sekolah, risau juga mak bapak dia camne lee anak dia nie nanti.... atan lak seronok lee tengok banyak budak2 sebaya macam dia, sebab sebelum nie budak2 yang dia kenal cuma adik dia dengan sedara mara yang ada cuma 3 kerat jee....
dah lepas masuk sekolah atan cam tecengang lee pulak.. sebab dia tengok budak2 kat sekolah tu advant lee.. banyak yg diorang sembang dia tak tahu apa kebendanye.. cerita gelek inul kat tom tom bak lee, cerita pasal orang beranak ikut mana lee.. cerita nak kahwin ngan brat pit lee... kira2 maju habis...
banyak benda dalam kepala otak dia berlegar2 mabuk tak faham... masa dia nak balik dia terlanggar sorang budak... budak tu apa lee lagi marah kat dia budak tu cakap "KEPALA BUTUH" kau.. peh lagi lee atan tak paham bahasa apa kebenda nie?...
bila dia sampai kat rumah ditanya mak dia.... kepala butuh nie apa mak ek?
mak dia bederau darah dengar perkataan keramat 2... mak dia pun duk fikir apa nak bagitau anak dia nie.. jadi mak dia cakap lee,,"atan KEPALA BUTUH nie TONGKAT nak"..jadi pelajaran pertama dia kat sekolah KEPALA BUTUH adalah TONGKAT
pada hari kedua di sekolah dia dengar sorang budak lelaki cakap kat budak perempuan PUKI kau...
so macam hari pertama dia balik sekolah dia tanya mak dia PUKI 2 apa?...mak dia cam biasa carik lee idea...dan mak dia cakap PUKI tu PINGGAN....jadi pelajaran kedua dia kat sekolah PUKI adalah PINGGAN..
pada hari ketiga dia dengar lagi perkataan yang sebelum nie dia tak pernah dengar iaitu PANTAT.. jadi bila balik sekolah dia tanya mak dia pantat tu apa dan mak dia cakap PANTAT tu TIDUR... .jadi pelajaran ketiga dia kat sekolah PANTAT tu TIDUR..
nak jadi kan cerita petang 2 datuk dia datang dari kampung... datuk diia ne kurang sihat maklum lee dah tua tapi sebab rindukan cucunye dia datang le juga ke rumah atan.. pada hari 2 datuk dia datang dengan berTONGKAt... jadi bila atan tengok datuknye turun dari bas dia gie le sambut le atuk dia... atuk dia pun peluk dan cium cucu kesayangannye.. pas tu atan pun cakap ngan atuk nye..."atuk penat kee? meh atan tolong atok, simpankan BUTUH atuk"... apalagi bulat mata atuk nye tengok atan.... dengan nada marah dia tanya kat atan " mak kau mana?" atan pun dengan selamba cakap "mak ada kat dapur tengah basuh PUKI" peh berdesing telinga atuknye dengar cucunye cakap camtu.." dia pun meluru kerumah atan..sambil menjerit "ayah kau mana?" atan cakap "ayah ada kat bilik tengah PANTAT dengan adik.. apal lagi bila dengar je atan jawab terus atuk dia jatuh depan pintu.. sakit jantung.. sampai sekarang ada kat pantai icu... heheeh.
jadi moral dari cerita di atas...kalau nak ajar anak cari le alasan yang sewaktu dengan nye biar dia faham.. budak2 sekarang lain macam sikit...baru keluar dah buka mata...
******untuk pengetahuan semua, orang melaka nie mulut je kuat mencarut.. tapi hati baikkkk...
Friday, November 21, 2008
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